Thursday, July 19, 2012

fighting it

preface:  this week is vacation Bible school.  for various reasons, i did not volunteer this year.  however, my mom offered to take the boys.  and because she had to work today, i filled in for her in the 2 year olds room.  due to exhaustion on momma's part and no easy fixin's in the fridge, we grabbed drive thru on the way home from vbs.  $5 well worth it.  after consuming everything in the brown paper bag and several pieces fruit, little boys were tucked into bed.  and the battle began.




after one hour, 3 bathroom runs, 1 room swap, and several rounds of discipline, my youngest fell asleep.  but the eldest still persisted in defying the mandatory rest time (which we have everyday, today being no exception).  literally, every 5 minutes he would disobey a rest time rule.

rule - head on the pillow - isaac would sit up and play

rule - stay quiet - isaac got louder and louder

rule - no getting out of bed til momma tells you - he would sneak out of the room

i resorted to sitting in the hallway, thinking i would read a book as i waited for the next round of discipline to ensue.

i grabbed my Bible, mostly because i had finished my other library books.

this boy was making me angry.  and i never want to be angry at my child.  so i sat in the hallway, nearly crying, asking God to please help me.  i begged Him to make my child fall asleep (which he very much needed).  i begged Him to break the will of this little one, so that i wouldn't have to keep fighting this battle with him.  i cried out for wisdom.

and then turned to James.

James 1:2-5
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,"

but God, this trial isn't joyful!  in fact it's down right angering!


"knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."

i don't want endurance!  i want this to be over.  if i learn to endure this, then You will just bring along something that is harder, and i don't want something harder right now!


"And let endurance have it's perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

i'm so far from perfect, it's going to take tons of trails to get there and i can't even handle this one!  so, no thank you!


"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

God, i said i need wisdom.  but do i have to learn it this way?  why in a battle over sleep with my 4 year old?  why can't i get wisdom from the advise of a great godly older woman?  that would be way less painful than this!


(again) "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God..."

yes, i need wisdom.  i need wisdom to raise my son to understand obedience so that i don't feel like banging my head against the wall!  


(again) "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask..."

ok, please give me wisdom.  sigh...


(starting over) "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have it's perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

my son was fighting because he didn't want to lay in bed.

 i was fighting because i didn't want a difficulty.

i knew that resting would be good for my son.  it would give him what he needed to finish the day well.  it would help, even if he didn't think it would.

God knew that it would be good for me to go through a little trial today.  it would give me what i needed to live this life with more reliance on Him and more patience for others.  it did help, even though i didn't want it to.

my son finally laid quiet long enough to be allowed to get up.  he never did sleep.

i finally gave in and admitted God was right.  who would have thought, huh?



4 comments:

  1. You wrote: "'knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.'

    i don't want endurance! i want this to be over. if i learn to endure this, then You will just bring along something that is harder, and i don't want something harder right now!"

    This is the echo of my complaint when God is dealing with me. And quite often lately too.

    You are such a wise younger lady... Thank you for showing me I'm not alone in this selfish wish to be left in my undisciplined life.
    By letting you go through this, you had a post to share and an encouragement for me. I'm glad. : )

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  2. Oh Sarah--I think we've all been there, and I know I've been humbled with how my own children's disobedience illuminates my own to my heavenly Father. Keep on--the days can be so long, but the years truly are fleeting.

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  3. I love this posting Sarah...the Lord has convicted me in similar ways...the power struggle with a child should more often open my eyes to how I'm acting out in my own life. I need to pay more attention to this. Thanks for the reminder...and hope this week goes a little smoother. ;)

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  4. So well written. Thanks for sharing. I've shared in similar lessons and you're so right...they aren't fun. But, I am thankful for a patient, loving, ever-at-work Heavenly Father who hasn't given up on me! God has used motherhood as such a *huge* refining process in my life---the "What to Expect" books just don't tell you about that at all! :)

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