funny, how I look back over time, what I have said/written here, and everything is different and yet, somehow, it's all the same.
I now have an eight year old and a ten year old. they are smart and funny and a little bit snarky. They can make their own breakfast, do their own laundry, and help with all major cleaning/work around the house (with much encouragement). They are starting to think things through before they do it (sometimes), and are kind and considerate towards the feelings of others around them. Nick and I are defiantly seeing the fruits of our many years of labor in training and disciplining these boys.
And in case all that paints a skewed misrepresentation, they are also moody, sassy, disobedient, lazy boys who watch plenty of netflix, disappear into the basement to avoid school and work, and occasionally come to blows over minuscule differences of opinion. They are very wonderful, very normal boys.
I am still a stay-at-home homeschooling mom. I still struggle accomplish the daily tasks that keep a home running, possibly even more than i did when i had littles. I still fail to get into the precious Word of God everyday, even fail to spend much time in prayer everyday.
God is still growing me, just the same as He was all those years ago through babies and cancer and infertility. But it has changed.
I am in a very different trial today than i was those many years ago when i last wrote. I am in a long, very long, trial. The kind that has been going on for so long, that it's hard to remember what life was like before it.
It is a physical trial, a combination of lots of little things that finally came to a head during Nick's cancer, when I had to be strong for my family. God gave me a strength that surpasses understanding, but I neglected to care for myself the way I should have. I ignored my body for many years after that, thinking that it would go away. But instead it messed with my thyroid, it wreaked havoc on my adrenals, and tried to start up menopause a couple of times. And this summer, I absolutely fell apart.
I had taken my physical trial to the Lord many times. But not like this. This was a new level.
My brain was in such a fog, I couldn't concentrate during church services and Bible studies. Biblical conversations with friends were almost entirely one sided because I couldn't follow them. And personal devotions felt like a mindless chewing something hard, and dry, and flavorless.
So i would simply sit and pray. Not as often as i should have. But I still prayed. They were short and simple. A quiet, 'please help me.'
It is an awful hard place to be in when you feel like you can't even think, when you can't find words, when emotions are too exhausting, when you know you are a mess and yet you look just fine from the outside, when you just sit before your God with your hands open and hope He understands what you need because you sure don't.
And yet, He knew. I knew that He knew. He's good like that.
And He has shown me a few steps to take that are helping. But it's still hard.
You see, this is my Isaiah 40 trial.
"Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Isreal,
'My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my
Have you not known? Have you
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might He
Even youths shall faint and be
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord
shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
You see, I think there is a very good reason God puts that last verse in the order He does.
Because some trials hit you hard. They assault you with such passion, you feel like the many psalmists who say that the world is full of wickedness and that enemies are out to destroy you utterly. Those are the trials where He gives you wings. You are filled with vigor and strength. You rise above it all and you cry out the praises of God.
Some trials are not quite so aggressive. They prowl around you for a little while, measuring you carefully and stalking you. These are the trials where He helps you run. You keep going, you keep fighting, and by His good grace, you push through.
Then there are the trails where you walk. Those trials that slowly surround you and turn your spirit into a barren wasteland. The ones that slowly suck you dry. The kind that you can't see the end of, where you simply have to put your head down against the relentless heat and put one foot in front of the other. The kinds of trial where the steps are slow and monotonous, and the prayers are simply a 'please help.' And we get weary... we get so weary. But we don't faint; at least, not if we are relying on His strength.
I'll admit, there are times in the long trial where I sit down and cry out, "why?" Where I see that I have no more strength and I simply stop. But that is the point of that trial. To show me that I really have nothing more. And I have to remember to go to Him.
Remember to back up to verse 28. "He does not faint or grow weary."
And see verse 29. "He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength."
When I call out to Him, He gives me what I need to keep going, even if that going is slow and monotonous.
Psalm 18 has been very special to me the past 5 weeks or so. I would love to pick it apart for you sometime, but right now I will just share with you the verse I have clung to with desperation.
"He rescued me, because He delighted in me."
Not because I am worth rescuing. Not because He needs me to do thus and such. Not because of all I've done for Him in the past. No, His rescue is solely because He found delight in doing so for me.
That has been so reassuring for me. Because He is the One who is unchanging. He is the One who always does what is best, what is really good for me. So thank God that my rescue is because of who He is and not because of me.
This trial is far from over. Lord willing, I will see it's end before glory. But until that time, i will cling to the little verses like these that i can wrap my tired brain around, and I will keep walking by His strength. For His glory and my good.